“In its mechanics, to put it politely, homosexual behaviour is like putting nature’s square peg into nature’s round hole. It simply is not what nature intended. The very fact that one has to describe this behaviour so abstractly highlights the inherent revulsion that is part of the nature of homosexual behaviour.” – Bernard Gaynor

In a recent blog post, the virulently homophobic Bernard Gaynor displays an almost touchingly immature understanding of sexual intercourse.

As an older woman, my maternal instincts kicked in. I feel Bernie needs a little tell-it-like-it-is sex education. I want to say:

“You know, Bernie, all that silly chatter you heard in the schoolyard of that Catholic school you went to, isn’t actual ‘sex education’”.

“You’re a big boy now, Bernie, and it’s time someone gave you a few facts about sex.  I know this is awkward for both of us, but it’s time you knew the truth.”

It’s a pity Bernie didn’t have parents like mine. When I was 14 and starting to get curious about sex, my mother procured a copy of The Little Red Schoolbook – a notoriously graphic sex education book being distributed, largely illicitly, in the seventies.

“This book is going to get passed around behind the toilets at school,” my mother told me frankly.

“I think it’s better if you read it, and then we can have a talk about it.”

When, later,  I asked her “What’s a homosexual, Mum?” she replied, “You know how women fall in love with men?”

“Yes”

“Well, sometimes, men fall in love with men.”

“Oh, OK.  What’s for dinner?”

I’m guessing the conversation in Bernie’s house was somewhat different.

So, Bernie, you’re a bit old for “the talk” but, let’s set a few things straight.

1. Anal sex does not involve putting a square peg in a round hole. I’ve already had cause to write about your penis once, Bernie, and it pains me to have to do it again.  Take a look. Yes, it’s there – you might just have to scrunch over to get a good look.  Try putting your glasses on. That’s right! Got it? Now, see? It’s not square at all, is it – it’s kind of cylindrical shaped – especially when it gets hard. Yes, this is embarrassing and it’s going to get worse.
2. Homosexuals do not have different shaped penises to you, Bernie. It’s true, theirs may be rather larger than yours but, all up, they’re pretty much the same shape – cylindrical. Only SpongeBob SquarePants has a square peg, and there’s not many gay men lining up to bonk him (although I’ve heard some rumours about him and Patrick the Starfish who has a wealth of round pegs!)
3. Homosexuality is not ‘unnatural’. At the risk of sounding like a broken record: over 1000 different species engage in homosexual activity. Animals, routinely, engage in non-reproductive sexual behaviour. Bighorn sheep, bison, bonobos and polecats (among others) have all been observed having penetrative anal sex with same-sex partners – for bonding and for fun. Sex is not just about having babies, Bernie. It’s about feeling good, having a laugh, letting off steam, developing trust, and bonding closely and intimately with another person – or member of the same species, as the case may be.
4. Anal sex – or any other kind of sex – is not ‘immoral’. It’s just sex! it’s a simple connection of body parts – no more moral or immoral than shaking hands. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to have sex, providing there is no lying or deceit involved in either party’s consent to copulate and no breach of trust involving third parties. The ethics and morality lie in the context and the consent – not in the actual act.
5. Anal sex isn’t ‘dirty’. We’re going to get a bit graphic here, love. People who know what they’re doing anticipate anal sex with some simple hygienic preparation. Let me put this delicately; one cleans out the garage before the Mercedes starts rolling up the driveway. That ‘round hole’ is perfectly capable of being multi-purposed. Believe me, people who enjoy anal sex don’t like dirty sheets and doing the laundry any more than you do. I know you’re Catholic, Bernie dear, but you do have to stop thinking about ‘poo’ and ‘sex’ being as indivisibly linked as ‘pedophile’ and ‘priest’.
6. Anal sex is not responsible for spreading disease. People (both gay, straight or otherwise) who do not take responsible precautions are responsible for spreading disease. Importantly, the Catholic church’s opposition to sex education for both straight and LGBTIQ youth is deeply complicit in the ignorance that leads to the spread of HIV/AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases.
7. Now, Bernie, I think you’d better sit down for this last point because it’s likely to shock you to the core. Anal sex is not ‘gay’ sex – it’s just another fun thing that some (but not all) people do. I know you enjoy those salacious homoerotic fantasies of yours, but not all gay men have anal sex. A survey published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine suggests roughly only one-third of homosexual men engage in anal sex. That’s about the same number of straight women engaging in (and enjoying) butt sex. A large survey by America’s Center for Disease Control and Prevention found 44 percent of straight men and 36 percent of straight women admitted to having had anal sex at least once in their lives with an opposite sex partner. And, the straight men may not just be ‘giving’ anal, it’s likely they’re receiving it as well (fingers and vibrators aren’t square either, Bernie, although it’s polite to cut one’s fingernails).

Anal sex is just a ‘thing’. It’s not a ‘gay’ thing or a ‘male’ thing; it’s not a ‘good’ thing or a ‘bad’ thing. It’s not dirty – unless you’re an uneducated, irresponsible idiot. It’s not immoral – unless you haven’t sought and obtained willing permission. It’s just another way that people – all kinds of people – have sex.

For some, anal sex has no meaning beyond a fun frolic – and that’s totally cool. For others, anal sex conveys a hugely deep level of trust and intimacy between two people in a loving, committed relationship. Believe it or not, there’s something deeply spiritual about that, whether or not you are ‘religious’.

Either way, there are no sharp corners involved. It all goes together quite neatly with a little lube. You and the missus should give it a burl now you understand the mechanics a little better.

Bernie? You seem distracted. Oh, I see! You’re still mulling over point one. Yes, dear, that’s your penis and no matter how much you play with it it’s just not going to go square. That would be kind of … unnatural.

Now, just before we go, let me have a last word about what is dirty, immoral and unnatural: That would be closeted same-sex attracted men, so entirely fucked up with ingrained Catholic guilt, they project their internalised anger onto LGBTIQ men (and women) who have the courage to live their lives openly in the way that is natural to them. What is un-Godly, Bernie, are social commentators peddling self-serving, hateful, wildly inaccurate, hurtful propaganda – completely ignoring the wealth of well-researched, peer-reviewed accurate data which contradicts their ideological position.

When this ‘square peg’ propaganda is thrust, without consent, into the round hole of public debate, it tears at the fabric of vulnerable people’s lives and leaves them bleeding. Specifically, it contributes to the toxic environment that leads innocent young LGBTIQ people to alarmingly high rates of mental illness, drug and alcohol abuse, self-harm, suicidal ideation and death.

That, Bernie, is far more offensive to me – and I’m betting to your God – than a little innocent butt-play.

Chrys Stevenson